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Dear semi-informed member of the public,
I am writing to warn you not to co-operate with Hacked Off – a group that can be best described as subversive. Apparently they have persuaded a so-called celebrity – but a man with very little of the celebrity “coalface” experience one can only gain in local radio – to give money to their dangerous campaign. They have duped him into promising to double all donations received by Hacked Off. The flaw in their clever plan is that they are totally reliant on dozy members of the public like you to sympathise with their tiresome moans about alleged press abuses. To be frank, I don’t have much time for other celebrities anyway, except for the other A-listed ones. But talent, as we are called in the business, should not be exploited by the “soi-disant” “victims of the press” in this utterly… well… transparent and see-through way.
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My friend Quentin Letts at the Daily Mail, who I happen to know studied history to full degree level at a University, told me over a half-pint (but in a proper tankard-shaped glass) of Butcombe bitter last night, that Hacked Off are exponents of exactly the sort of citizen activism that brought the likes of Vladimir Trotsky to power in Soviet Moscow. Quentin, an educated man – “a man of Letts-ers”, if you will – should be heeded on all matters where he has a theory about a conspiracy. And he has plenty, I can tell you. Hacked Off is made up of busy-body victims of press abuse, nosey-parker professors of journalism, and pinko-subversive actors who can’t even get their own TV series, and who would be better off – in my view – sucking up to the tabloids like I always have. They claim to have “public opinion” on their side. They are dedicated to implementing the report by Lord “Justice” Leveson just because Parliament agrees with it! Since when did the views of the unelected judging benches and of elected “officialdom” count for more than the views of those who bravely own or edit our great British institutions like the News of the World and the Mail on line? Go to their website, and tell them where to stick their Royal Charter.
Yours at your service,
Alan
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PS If they get enough abuse from ordinary Englishmen, they will get the message that Mr Murdoch and Mr Dacre have our full support in their endeavours. Do not “give generously” just because your donation will be matched by the naïve celebrity stooge they have recruited to their cause. We celebrities deserve to keep our cash where it belongs – safely in an off-shore bank in Guernsey, near where the Telegraph owners live. .
PPSS If, like me, you are aware of “internet protocols”, you will know that it is important that my warning goes “viral’. So please help make this a true “contagion” by “innoculating” the in-boxes of other people with this message. Why not start by “infecting” the box of your wife or – to be strictly non-sexist – your girlfriend. If enough people catch the “germ” you are spreading, then my words can become an “epidemic” of wise counsel, laying low the health of the world’s ignorance.
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PPPSSS People won’t see this warning if all they read are the propaganda publications controlled by Hacked Off – like the BBC, Guardian “Wimmin” and the Oxbridge Journal of Media Studies, so please help inform and re-educate fellow Daily Mail and Sun readers by twittering this twitter tweet.
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